Essex Jokes


DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED OR FROM ESSEX

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10″ replies the Essex girl.
“10?” says the council worker. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the Essex girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the Essex girl… “I just use their surnames.”

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
“I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” she says.
“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.
“No” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says “Choose from our range on the wall.”
She says “I’ll take the red one.”
The man replies “That’s a fire extinguisher.”

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions?”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: ” Sharon .”
Medic: “OK Sharon , is this your car?”
Sharon : “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon : “Romford, mate.”

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, “Treacle, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the Essex girl, “There’s f*cking hundreds of them!”

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there’s Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she’s lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: “OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.”
Sharon : “Ok.”
Medic: “How many fingers am I putting up?”
Sharon : “Oh my god, I’m paralysed from the waist down!”

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, “Scuse me mate, I ain’t being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies ‘ave an L on it and the uva one’s got an R on it?”
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, “Well, I’m a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot”
“Cor blimey”, exclaims the Essex girl, “So THATS why me knickers ‘ave got C&A on them!”

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