Posts in the «Jokes» Category
Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
Nike Condoms – Just do it
Toyota Condoms – Oh what a feeling
Ford Condoms – The ride of your life
Optus Condoms – Yes!
Duracell Condoms – Keep going& going& going
Pringles Condoms – Once you pop you can’t stop
Hyundai Condoms – All day, every day
Tip Top Condoms – Good onya mum
(available in Tasmania only)
Panasonic Condoms – Even more than you expected
VB Condoms – As a matter of fact, I’ve got one now
Swan Lager Condoms – They said you’d never make it
Vegemite Condoms – Puts a rose in every cheek
Levi Condoms – Do you fit the legend?
Nescafe Condoms – It brings you together.
The following brands wouldn’t sell so well…..
Goodyear Condoms – If it only saves you once a year.
RTA Condoms – Speed kills
Nobby’s Condoms – Nibble Nobby’s Nuts
Bolle Condoms – Put them on your face
Aussie Homeloans Condoms – We’ll save you
A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.
He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.
‘Then he’ll open his mouth
and I’ll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.’
The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile’s open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really, really hard on the top of
its head
The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.
The man stood up again and made another offer. ‘I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.
A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up………..
‘I’ll try it -
Just don’t hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!’
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that
name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone
again I will kill them!’
The word got around and nobody called
him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird
forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’ He
jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
the forest where he made love to her all day and
all night. He made love to her all the next day,
until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what
he promised he would do. Years went by and no
one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being
away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird’s cousin, was
overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him
and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,
then he made love to her all day, made love to her all
night, made love to her all the next day, made love to
her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!
Why ???
OH, come on…. take a guess !!!
Think about it !!!
You’re going to love this !!!
Everyone knows…
You can’t kill Two Birds
with OneStone!!!
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’
Leroy replied, ‘I’m not sure, when were you married?’
What is the difference between girls/women
aged 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78?
***********************************************************************************
At 8
You take her to bed and tell her a story
***********************************************************************************
At 18
You tell her a story and take her to bed
***********************************************************************************
At 28
You don’t need to tell her a story
to take her to bed
***********************************************************************************
At 38
She tells you a story and takes you to bed
***********************************************************************************
At 48
She tells you a story to avoid going to bed
***********************************************************************************
At 58
You stay in bed to avoid her story
***********************************************************************************
At 68
If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story
***********************************************************************************
At 78
What story? What bed?
Who the hell are you?
***********************************************************************************
According to the
Office for National Statistics
190,374
people are having sex right now
212,130
are kissing
and one poor sod
is reading emails
You hang in there sunshine!
A man is walking home alone late one foggy night…
when behind him he hears:
Bump…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him
FASTER…
FASTER…
BUMP…
BUMP…
BUMP…
He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.
However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
clappity-BUMP…
on his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.
With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…
and,
The coffin stops
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’
I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…
‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,
‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’
We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,
‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’
I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’
Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘Its golf balls’. Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;
‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.”
“Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.”
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon… every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
“Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. “Eees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon… ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.
And with that… Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
“Pepe… go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.”
“Luis Luis mi amigo… what ees it?
“Pepe… ees not a bacon tree… ees a ham bush”
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, ‘So, you finish?’
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, ‘No.’
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, ‘You finish?’
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, ‘No.’ Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, ‘You finish?’ Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, ‘No, I Norwegian.’
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