Posts in the «Jokes» Category
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real
jerk and comes running back to the motor officer and demands to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red
light violation. The ‘Motorist’ instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the
officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The
officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring ‘battleship
mouth and rowboat ass’.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with
writing the citation he puts an ‘AH’ in the lower right corner of the narrative
portion of the citation. He then hands it to the ‘Violator’ for his signature.
The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and w hen presented his
copy points to the ‘AH’ and demands to know what it stands for. The officer
then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guy’s face and said, ‘That’s so when
we go to court, I’ll remember you’re an Ass Hole!’
Three months later they are in court. The ‘Violator’ has such a bad record
he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On
the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under
cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, ‘Officer, is this a reasonable
facsimile of the citation you issued my client?’ Officer responds, ‘Yes sir,
this is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, the same number at the
top.’
Attorney: ‘Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
citation you don’t normall y make?’
Officer: ‘Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
‘AH’, underlined.’
Attorney: ‘What does the AH stand for, officer?’
Officer: ‘Aggressive and Hostile, Sir.’
Attorney: ‘Aggressive and hostile?’
Officer: ‘Yes, Sir.’
Attorney: ‘Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Ass Hole?’
Officer: ‘Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!’
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
“What are you doing?” She asked.
“Hunting Flies” He responded.
“Oh. Killing any?” She asked.
“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.
ntrigued, she asked. “How can you tell them apart?”
He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”
———–
All of the Crap is Ace!
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ‘Do you know me?’
To which she replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
“Grumpy, my son,” says the Pope, “What can I do for you?”
Grumpy asks, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?”
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .”
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them. Grumpy turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?”
The Pope, puzzled now, ! again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Grumpy turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting……
“Grumpy shag*ed a penguin!”
“Grumpy shag*ed a penguin!”
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend trip toTownsville.
The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team rode on the top level.
The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realized she hadn’t heard anything from the Blondes upstairs.
She decided to go up and investigate.
When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.
the brunette asked, “What the heck’s going on up here?
We’re having a great time downstairs!”
One of the Blondes looked up at her, swallowed hard and whispered…
“YEAH, BUT YOU’VE GOT A DRIVER!?!”
Hamish and Dougal are sitting in the pub discussing Hamish’s forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Hamish. “I’ve got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.”
Dougal nods approvingly.
“Heavens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Hamish.
“A kilt?” exclaims Dougal. “That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that. And what’s the tartan?”
“Och,” says Hamish, “I imagine she’ll be in white.”
A Redneck walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.
He puts the alligator up on the bar and turns to the astonished patrons.
‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his Mouth for one minute. Then he’ll open his mouth. And I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this Spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.’
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, Dropped his trousers, And placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of the head. The gator opened his mouth And the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, And the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
‘I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly Spoke up……….
‘I’ll try it – Just don’t hit me so hard With the beer bottle!’
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks, “Excuthe me, do you
have any widdle wabbits?” The shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his
knees so that he’s on her level, and says, “Do you want a widdle white
wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown wabbit
over there?”
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and whispers… “I don’t weally fink my pyfon gives a phuk.”
This could happen to you.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
‘Hi, how are you?’
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
‘Doin’ just fine!’
And the other person says:
‘So what are you up to?’
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
‘Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!’
At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
‘Can I come over?’
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them
‘No…….I’m a little busy right now!!!’
Then I hear the person say nervously…
‘Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
LOT’S WIFE:
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot ‘s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted,
“My Mommy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
GOOD SAMARITAN:
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good
Samaritan. She asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the
Roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?”
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of
Fishing when he was on the Ark ?”
“No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”
HIGHER POWER:
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning
How powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher
Power. Can anybody tell me what it is?”
One child blurted out, “Aces!”
MOSES AND THE RED SEA :
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in
Sunday School.
“Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy
Lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt When
He got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the
People walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements.
They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.”
“Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.
“Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD:
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one
Of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the chapter. Little Rick was excited about the task — but, he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
UNANSWERED PRAYER?
The preacher’s 5 year-old daughter noticed that her father always paused and bowed his head, for a moment, before starting his sermon.
One day, she asked him why.
“Well, Honey,” he began, proud that his daughter was so observant of his messages,
“I’m asking the Lord to help me preach a good sermon.”
“How come He doesn’t do it?” she asked.
BEING THANKFUL
A rabbi said to a precocious six-year-old boy, “So your mother says your prayers for you each night? That’s very commendable.
What does she say?”
The little boy replied, “Thank God he’s in bed!”
UNTIMELY ANSWERED PRAYER
During the minister’s prayer, one Sunday, there was a loud whistle from one of the back pews. Tommy’s mother was horrified. She pinched him into silence and, after church, asked, “Tommy, whatever made you do such a thing?”
Tommy answered, soberly, “I asked God to teach me to whistle, and He just then did!”
TIME TO PRAY
A pastor asked a little boy if he said his prayers every night.
“Yes, sir,” the boy replied.
“And, do you always say them in the morning, too?” the pastor asked.
“No sir,” the boy replied. “I ain’t scared in the daytime.”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter, Kelli, said her bedtime prayers, she would bless every family member, every friend, and every animal (current and past).
For several weeks, after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say,
“And all girls.” As this soon became part of her nightly routine, to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her,
“Kelli, Why do you always add the part about all girls?”
Her response, “Because we always finish our prayers by saying ‘All Men’!”
SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his Grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
“Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.” Said his mother
“I don’t have to,” The boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating, at our house”
“That’s our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!
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