All Of The Crap They Send Me

Imagine you woke up in the morning and saw this right above you. A spider swarm!

WORLD’S HIGHEST STATUE…………….BRAZIL

WORLD’S TALLEST BUILDING ……… DUBAI

WORLD’S LARGEST PALACE ………………….ROMANIA

WORLD’S BIGGEST STADIUM ……….BRAZIL

MOST COMPLEX INTER-CHANGE ……… TEXAS

WORLD’S BIGGEST EXCAVATOR

WORLD’S WIDEST BRIDGE ……… AUSTRALIA

WORLD’S LONGEST BRIDGE …………… CHINA

WORLD’S BIGGEST PASSENGER-SHIP

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked “Do you have any sales experience?”

The young man answered “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.”

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job. His first day on the job was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, “OK, so how many sales did you make today?”

The Aussie said “One!”

The manager groaned and continued, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

“£ 124,237.64. pounds”

The manager choked and exclaimed 124,237.64 POUNDS!! What the hell did you sell him?”

“Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engined Power Cat. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4 Suzuki”.

The manager, incredulous, said “You mean to tell me….a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4×4?”

“No no no……he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said……… ‘Well, since your weekend’s buggered, you might as well go fishing.”

1st woman: Hi! My  name is Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! I’m Kelly, how’d you die?

1st woman: I froze  to death.

2nd  woman: How  horrible!

1st  woman: It  wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm  & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd  woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what  happened?

2nd  woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every  closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st  woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer  —–  we’d both still be alive.

Here are some Rambo statistics. Clearly the upcoming instalment is going to be the best – because we all know that kills per minute is the only indicator of quality when it comes to action flicks.

If the writing is too small – just click through for a larger size.

DO NOT READ IF EASILY OFFENDED OR FROM ESSEX

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
“How many children?” asks the council worker.
“10″ replies the Essex girl.
“10?” says the council worker. “What are their names?”
“Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne.”
“Doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Naah…” says the Essex girl “its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER’S READY, or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it…”
“What if you want to speak to one individually?” says the perturbed council worker.
“That’s easy,” says the Essex girl… “I just use their surnames.”

An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the counter.
“I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress.” she says.
“Come again?” says the clerk, cupping his ear.
“No” she replies. “This time it’s mayonnaise.”

Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says “Choose from our range on the wall.”
She says “I’ll take the red one.”
The man replies “That’s a fire extinguisher.”

An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: “It’s OK I’m a paramedic and I’m going to ask you some questions?”
Girl: “OK”
Medic: “What’s your name?”
Girl: ” Sharon .”
Medic: “OK Sharon , is this your car?”
Sharon : “Yes.”
Medic: “Where are you bleeding from?”
Sharon : “Romford, mate.”

An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It was her boyfriend, urgently warning her, “Treacle, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car!” said the Essex girl, “There’s f*cking hundreds of them!”

Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there’s Blood everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car till she’s lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: “OK, I’m going to check if you’re concussed.”
Sharon : “Ok.”
Medic: “How many fingers am I putting up?”
Sharon : “Oh my god, I’m paralysed from the waist down!”

An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl notices something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says, “Scuse me mate, I ain’t being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your wellies ‘ave an L on it and the uva one’s got an R on it?”
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, “Well, I’m a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is for me right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot”
“Cor blimey”, exclaims the Essex girl, “So THATS why me knickers ‘ave got C&A on them!”

I don’t really understand why anyone would need 28 whisks, but I’m sure there is a reason. I guess it’s like thei innuit people who have heaps of different words for snow – because, presumably they understand the subtle variations in kinds of snow that we don’t know anything about. So to with chefs, who understand that when you whisk egg, or whisk cream – they understand the variations in subtlety that comes through use of different kinds of whisk.

Or, of course, I could be speaking absolute crap.

Just try this. It is from an orthopedic surgeon………… This will boggle your mind and you will keep trying over and over again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can’t. It’s pre-programmed in your brain!

1. While sitting where you are at your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number ’6′ in the air with your right Hand. Your foot will change direction.

I told you so !!! And there’s nothing you can do about it !!!!

You and I both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to try it again, if you’ve not already done so.

This model fell down. Funny. Actually, not really. What’s funny is these dumbass anchors losing it, You can actually see their last few brain cells trickle out their ears. I wasn’t gonna post this cause they annoy me. But meh – some of you might find it amusing.

I think this was some kind of office prank. But I’m not sure. It was sent without explanation – except to the tune that they have had budget cuts in their office – and hence your cubicle has been…. re-tooled. Quite funny.