Monthly archive of June, 2008
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.”
“Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.”
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon… every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
“Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. “Eees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon… ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.
And with that… Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
“Pepe… go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.”
“Luis Luis mi amigo… what ees it?
“Pepe… ees not a bacon tree… ees a ham bush”
This probably won’t fit my site’s template – but it’s too awesome not to post. Calvin and Hobbes on Medication.
Caught 2 miles offshore while fishing.
more crap
Keep an eye on your pets – don’t let this happen to them!!!
More Crap
This is how Australians entertain themselves at a BBQ. First out LOSES!
A virile, middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, ‘So, you finish?’
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, ‘No.’
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ends and, again, Guido smiles and asks, ‘You finish?’
Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him and softly says, ‘No.’ Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets. Exhausted, Guido falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, ‘You finish?’ Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear, ‘No, I Norwegian.’
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real
jerk and comes running back to the motor officer and demands to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red
light violation. The ‘Motorist’ instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the
officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The
officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride, figuring ‘battleship
mouth and rowboat ass’.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with
writing the citation he puts an ‘AH’ in the lower right corner of the narrative
portion of the citation. He then hands it to the ‘Violator’ for his signature.
The guy signs the citation angrily, tearing the paper, and w hen presented his
copy points to the ‘AH’ and demands to know what it stands for. The officer
then removes his mirrored sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guy’s face and said, ‘That’s so when
we go to court, I’ll remember you’re an Ass Hole!’
Three months later they are in court. The ‘Violator’ has such a bad record
he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him. On
the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light. Under
cross-examination, the defense attorney asks, ‘Officer, is this a reasonable
facsimile of the citation you issued my client?’ Officer responds, ‘Yes sir,
this is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, the same number at the
top.’
Attorney: ‘Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this
citation you don’t normall y make?’
Officer: ‘Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an
‘AH’, underlined.’
Attorney: ‘What does the AH stand for, officer?’
Officer: ‘Aggressive and Hostile, Sir.’
Attorney: ‘Aggressive and hostile?’
Officer: ‘Yes, Sir.’
Attorney: ‘Officer, are you sure it doesn’t stand for Ass Hole?’
Officer: ‘Well, sir, you know your client better than I do!’
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