All Of The Crap They Send Me

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.

Nike Condoms – Just do it

Toyota Condoms – Oh what a feeling

Ford Condoms – The ride of your life

Optus Condoms – Yes!

Duracell Condoms – Keep going& going& going

Pringles Condoms – Once you pop you can’t stop

Hyundai Condoms – All day, every day

Tip Top Condoms – Good onya mum
(available in Tasmania only)

Panasonic Condoms – Even more than you expected

VB Condoms – As a matter of fact, I’ve got one now

Swan Lager Condoms – They said you’d never make it

Vegemite Condoms – Puts a rose in every cheek

Levi Condoms – Do you fit the legend?

Nescafe Condoms – It brings you together.

The following brands wouldn’t sell so well…..

Goodyear Condoms – If it only saves you once a year.

RTA Condoms – Speed kills

Nobby’s Condoms – Nibble Nobby’s Nuts

Bolle Condoms – Put them on your face

Aussie Homeloans Condoms – We’ll save you

I could be wrong, but I don’t think this guy is gonna make it!

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this crocodile’s mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

‘Then he’ll open his mouth
and I’ll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.’

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile’s open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really, really hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. ‘I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up………..
‘I’ll try it -
Just don’t hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!’

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fire.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man… That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘you’re welcome’ that will bring on a ‘whatever’).

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying F– YOU!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was ‘Onestone’. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,’ If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!’

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, ‘Good morning, Onestone.’   He

jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who wasBlue Bird’s cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, ‘Good to see you, Onestone.’

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, butYellow Bird wouldn’t die!

Why ???

OH, come on…. take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You’re going to love this !!!

Everyone knows…

You can’t kill Two Birds

with OneStone!!!

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.

Stu said, ‘I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?’

Leroy replied, ‘I’m not sure, when were you married?’