Monthly archive of April, 2010
These are not as I remember
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
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Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’ !!
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
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Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
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Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.
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There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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You have to be old enough to appreciate this.
If you don’t understand, it is because you are too young.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A Mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: ‘Hello’
WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’
MAN: ‘Yes’
WOMAN: ‘I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?’
MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.’
WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 Models. I saw one I really liked.’
MAN: ‘How much?’
WOMAN: ‘£65.000
MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’
WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £750,000.
MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it’s really a pretty good price.’
WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!’
MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
He turns and asks:
” Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”
Can you read the following paragraph? Most people can! Amazing!
I cdnuolt blveiee that I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd what I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno’t mtaetr in what oerdr the ltteres in a word are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is that the frsit and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it whotuit a pboerlm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the word as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? Yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! If you can raed this forwrad it
NICKNAMES
- If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
- If Mike , Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.
EATING OUT
- When the bill arrives, Mike , Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
- When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.
MONEY
- A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
- A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.
BATHROOMS
- A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel .
- The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.
ARGUMENTS
- A woman has the last word in any argument.
- Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
FUTURE
- A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
- A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
SUCCESS
- A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
- A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
MARRIAGE
- A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
- A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.
DRESSING UP
- A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.
- A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
NATURAL
- Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
- Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
OFFSPRING
- Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
- A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
A married man should forget his mistakes. There’s no use in two people remembering the same thing!
A priest offered a nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest removed his hand. Changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, ‘Father, remember Psalm 129?’
The priest apologized ‘Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.’
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, ‘Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.’
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, ‘I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.’ After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, ‘Who was that?’
‘It was Bob the next door neighbor,’ she replies.
‘Great,’ the husband says, ‘did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?’
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
I personally think the mullet makes this girl… er… boy – er… no, I mean girl look quite nice.
| Bugger ..
I forgot what it was…. |
Ah – so this is why Hitler lost. And I never knew that scissor’s paper rock is really a strategy for war
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