All Of The Crap They Send Me

Halloween Humour

admin — Tue, 11 Nov 2008 00:04:58 +0000

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night…

when behind him he hears:

Bump…

BUMP…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him

FASTER…

BUMP…

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket clapping

clappity-BUMP…

on his heels, the terrified man runs.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.

Bumping and clapping toward him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything, but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the casket…

and,

The coffin stops

Gummi Fail

admin — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 14:28:37 +0000

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Jamaican motorcycle study

admin — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 21:38:58 +0000

Your Ad Here

From Jamaicans

When girls don’t put out!

admin — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 14:08:06 +0000

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, ‘I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me.’

I said, ‘WHAT??!! What was that?!’

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear…

‘You’re just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.’

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, ‘Can’t you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?’

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn’t decide which one to take, so I told her we’d just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said,

‘Lets get a pair for each outfit.’

We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you… she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn’t even know how to play tennis

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, ‘That’s fine, honey.’ She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said,

‘I think this is all dear, let’s go to the cashier.’

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, ‘No honey, I don’t feel like it.’

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, ‘WHAT?’

I then said, ‘Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You’re just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.’

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, ‘Why can’t you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?’

Apparently I’m not having sex tonight either….but at least that bitch knows I’m smarter than her

Blonde Joke - Golf Balls

admin — Mon, 07 Jul 2008 01:03:38 +0000

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘Its golf balls’. Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked;

‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’

The Bacon Tree

admin — Wed, 25 Jun 2008 07:03:16 +0000

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…….

“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.”

“Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.”

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There’s raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon… every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

“Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. “Eees a bacon tree.”

“Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don’t forget.”

“Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon… ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree”.

And with that… Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

“Pepe… go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.”

“Luis Luis mi amigo… what ees it?

“Pepe… ees not a bacon tree… ees a ham bush”

Calvin and Hobbes on Medication

admin — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 00:27:04 +0000

This probably won’t fit my site’s template - but it’s too awesome not to post. Calvin and Hobbes on Medication.

Kitten Loves Crow

admin — Wed, 18 Jun 2008 02:14:32 +0000

Here is a story about a kitten raised by a crow. It’s pretty heartwarming.

A Different Kind of Fishing

admin — Tue, 17 Jun 2008 12:57:32 +0000

Caught 2 miles offshore while fishing.

more crap

Latest Mars Photos

admin — Mon, 16 Jun 2008 00:39:18 +0000

More Crap