Posts tagged as «Jokes»
1st woman: Hi! My name is Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! I’m Kelly, how’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere,
and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer —– we’d both still be alive.
1) I saw a fat woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said ‘Thyroid problem?’
2) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
3) I’ve often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can’t get my wife to go swimming.
4) I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don’t get on with my real ladder.
5) I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
6) A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Bypass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.
7) Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said ‘Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me’, and it worked! >From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.
My Dad used to say ‘always fight fire with fire’, which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
10) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
11) If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
12) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
13) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don’t understand, such as working for a living.
14) I was the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
15) Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech, and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush.
They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.
President Bush said, “Well, anything I can do to help. What is it?”
The Iranian whispered “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Chinese, but no Arabs. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians, Syrians or Iraqis on “Star Trek.”
The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered:
“It’s because it takes place in the future.”
A man rushes home, bursting through the front door of her house, yelling to his wife
“Pack your bags sweetie, I just won the Lotto! $10 million of it… Woooohoooo!”
“That’s great, honey!”, she replies, “Do I pack for the beach or Mountains?”
“Who cares!,” he replies, “Just f… off!!”
I’m not above crappy jokes – and neither are you
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.”
The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear goes to the end of the bar and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs.”
The bear says, “I’m NOT on drugs.”
……….You’re gonna love this……..
The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”
A man appeared before St. Peter at the pearly gates. “Have you ever done anything of particular merit?” St. Peter asked.
“Well, I can think of one thing,” the man offered. “Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota , I came upon a gang of bikers who were there attacking a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground. Then I yelled, “Now back off or I’ll kick the sh*t out of all of you!”
St. Peter was impressed …”When did this happen?”
“Just a couple minutes ago…”
This joke is admittedly poor. But none of you have a sense of humor anyway so I won’t mind posting it:
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A Kiwi and an Aussie were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer. After a while the Aussie says to the Kiwi,
‘If I was to sneak over to your house and shag your wife while you were off fishing, and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us related?’
‘The Kiwi crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question.
Finally, he says, ‘Well, I don’t know about being related, but it would make us even.’
Here are some fairly offensive – yet hilarious jokes which state the truth about men and women.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows
Them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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(more…)
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