I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by
turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we’re stoning her in the morning!
———————————————————–
The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did….
she’s 21 and her name’s Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
“paedophile!” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 21 and I’m 50.
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low
cut tops…. although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Kent Show, a
spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
———————————————————–
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give
him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop
before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
———————————————————–
Q: What’s the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn’t follow you home after you lay it.
———————————————————–
Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend…****
Beautiful, Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible.****
Or in other words……….. B.I.G.T.I.T.S.
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Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Only used it for half
an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It does everything -
KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot..”
———————————————————–
Question – Are there too many immigrants in Britain?****
17% said yes; 11% said No;
72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
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On my Census form there is a question “Do you have any dependants?”
Apparently putting “Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums,
Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people” isn’t the
right answer.
They’ve sent my form back!
———————————————————–
Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his
wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.
———————————————————–
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me
because she can’t afford batteries!
———————————————————–
Some ba#stard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s panties off the washing
line. She’s not bothered about the panties but she wants the 12 clothes
pins back.
When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British
ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.
At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle:
“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such presence on
the French and International scene for so many years!
How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking
forward to in these retirement years?”
“A penis,” replied Madame De Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer… and no one
knew what to say next.
Le Grand Charles De Gaulle leaned over to his wife and said:
“Ma cherie, I believe zat ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!”
A guy is walking the strip in Las Vegas and a fantastic-looking Vegas hooker catches his eye.
He strikes up a conversation and eventually asks the hooker,
“How much do you charge?”
The Hooker replies, “It starts at $500 for a hand-job.”
The guy says, “$500 dollars! For a hand-job! Holy crap!
No hand-job is worth that kind of money!”
The hooker says, “Do you see that Denny’s on the corner?”
“Yes.”
“Do you see the Denny’s about a block further down?”
“Yes.”
“And beyond that, do you see that third Denny’s?”
“Yes.”
“Well,” says the hooker, smiling invitingly, “I own those.
And I own them because I give a hand-job that’s worth $500.”
So the guy says, “What the hell? You only live once. I’ll give it a try.”
They retire to a nearby motel. A short time later, the guy is sitting on the bed realizing that he has just experienced the hand-job of a lifetime, worth every bit of $500.
He is so amazed, he says, “I suppose a blow-job is $1,000?”
The hooker replies, “$1,500.”
“I wouldn’t pay that for a blow-job!”
The hooker replies, “Step over here to the window, big boy.. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright.. And I own it because I give a blow-job that’s worth every cent of $1,500.”
The guy, basking in the afterglow of that terrific hand-job, decides to put off the new car for another year or so and says, “Sign me up..”
Ten minutes later, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before.
He can scarcely believe it but he feels he truly got his money’s worth.
He decides to dip into the retirement savings for one glorious and unforgettable experience.
He asks the hooker, “How much for some pussy?”
The hooker says, “Come over here to the window, I want to show you something.
Do you see how the whole city of Las Vegas is laid out before us: All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
“Damn!” the guy says, in awe, “You own the whole city?”
No,” the hooker replies, “but I would…… If I had a pussy.”
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary
Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife 43 who was looking for some hot action! So I sent her my ironing. That’ll keep her busy.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
Tampax have announced today that they will be replacing the string on tampons with tinsel. This will be just for the Christmas period.
Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone What sort of sick person does that to someone’s advent calendar.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, Never mind son maybe next year you’ll get a speaking part.
Sometimes you just can’t win. I thought I’d be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. 2 minutes late she said, Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!
This accident occurred north of Deer Lodge on I-90. The driver was appx 22 year old guy heading east to College.
He had left central Washington early in the morning. He fell asleep at the wheel and drifted off the shoulder hitting the end of the section of guard rail. The guard rail came through the right headlight, engine compartment, firewall, glove box, passenger seat, rear seat and exited out the driver’s side rear window. That is 120 LF of guard rail that threaded through the suburban.
No passengers and the driver was not injured. I am sharing this as a reminder to all about NOT driving when you shouldn’t be behind the wheel (drinking, texting, distracted or just plain tired).
A bloke’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of
policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news’.
‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?’
The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill
here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef.
He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a
turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the
good news is. The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were
quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to
her, so we’ve brought you your share.’
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five
crabs in it.
‘Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all
that… So what’s the other possible good news?’
‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here
get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull
her up again!’
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
********************
Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************
Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
‘What have you got there?’
Said the pie man unto Simon,
‘Pies, you dumb ass’ !!
********************
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************
Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************
Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was gay.
********************
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
******************************************************
You have to be old enough to appreciate this.
If you don’t understand, it is because you are too young.
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A Mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: ‘Hello’
WOMAN: ‘Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?’
MAN: ‘Yes’
WOMAN: ‘I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It’s only £500. Is it OK if I buy it?’
MAN: ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.’
WOMAN: ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 Models. I saw one I really liked.’
MAN: ‘How much?’
WOMAN: ‘£65.000
MAN: ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.’
WOMAN: ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing…the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking £750,000.
MAN: ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it’s really a pretty good price.’
WOMAN: ‘OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!’
MAN: ‘Bye! I love you, too.’
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.
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